Hamsternews 2nd Edition

 

Hamsternews -
An independent Newsaper
for the Up to Date Hamster

2nd Edition

Hamsterton Gone Bankrupt!

Read in Detail in this Edition!


How Could this Happen and How Does the Mayor React?


After the great success of our very first edition we again want to inform our readers first hand::

oops

Housing Shortage in Hamsterton! What now?

 

Pleh, pleh! Cinap, cinap!

Cries of this kind were to be heard in and around Hamsterton within the last weeks. Hamstertimes, dear reader, in this edition gives a detailed report on the events.


Reporter disappeared!


We have sent our two most able hamster reporters to Hamsterton to get at the bottom of things. Unfortunately our first reporter got lost and showed up in Hamsterjelly. He married there and we did not hear of him again. Pity! So we sent the second reporter but this gannet began his investigation at a restaurant and had to be taken to the All Hamstian Hospital with a stomach upset. Finally Hamstertimes asked one of the few inhabitants of Hamsterton who are able to read and write to note down the story. So here is the special report of our special reporter Topple:


The Whole Story


It already began with the building of the first barrage at Hamsterton. We wanted to get electricity at last and learned that a hydropower station was easily to erect. So we started but somehow something went awry and the guests of honour came away most unlucky. The responsible chief engineer Botchy had opened the floodgate much too early so that all guests were washed away. Twelve of them we found in Hamsterjelly, the rest are still missing. Unfortunately the dam did not really last because some of the hamsters had worked it with cardboard. After a few minutes the new dam was washed away and everything looked as boresome as before.

So we stood around stupidly like some jackasses until Dumple had the idea to build wind power stations to get electricity.

“That’s quite simple”, he said and explained his plan. “We have to build a big propeller. Then we take a long rubber band and connect the propeller to a motor. That’s all we need to get electricity.”

“And then?” Fluffy asked. „How do we proceed?“

„With a transformer”, Dumple said and made an important face, but Fluffy asked:

 

“Why that?”

 

„No idea“, Dumple grumbled. „We just need it, so don’t ask.“

During the next days lightning was to be seen over Hamsterton. However, is wasn’t natural lightning but a kind of short circuits in Dumple’s homemade transformer. Together with his friends Rooty and Louisa he had managed to connect some windmills and to power an old generator.


Dumple mounting a transformer
Vorsicht, Hochspannung!



They had removed the generator from an old ship which had stranded near Hamsterjelly many years ago. The full power of 10 windmills now sped the generator via 1733 rubber rings for jelly jars. Two cables led from the generator to the transformer but unfortunately these two cables got into contact.

There was a tremendous short circuit. Unfortunately the HTCC, the Hamstian Technical Control Company, had forgotten to put in some fuses, so that the transformer burnt out completely. For hours great sparks and lightning could be seen in the sky. As HAMFI, the Hamster Fire Brigade was on a staff outing, it took quite some time until the fire could be extinguished.

Then the next disaster happened: instead of cutting the rubber rings so that the generator stopped rotating, the transformer was drowned. The water brought a short circuit to the generator which stopped with a loud bang. The rubber rings ran on for a while until they were wound up tightly, then they unwound again with great speed. By this the ten windmills were suddenly driven with so much power that they ripped from their mooring and their sails darted over Hamsterton.

Following this day, there were no more high buildings in Hamsterton. The hurtling windmill sails had brought all houses to the same level like a scythe does with grass. Luckily nobody was injured – not seriously at least.

So within short time the second important project went down the tube and Hamsterton urgently needed a feeling of success. By the dam failure the streets of Hamsterton were under water. So the mayor, after he had been rescued from under the debris of his town hall, had an idea: “Why don’t we build a smashing swimming pool?” he shouted on the floated market place of Hamsterton.

„We dig a big hole and the water flows into it. Firstly our streets are dry then and secondly we have built a low-cost swimming pool.”

“Am I to take a bath in that cold, dirty water?” Grumpy grumped.

“Don’t worry”, Dumple cheerfully said. “We’ll mount a filter unit and very soon we will have a power plant for electricity. We’ve been quite close to it after all.”

„O yes“, Fluffy butt in, „we certainly were quite close to be beheaded by the windmills.“

“Howsoever”, the irritated mayor continued, “progress sometimes requires sacrifices and sometimes there will be failures.”

“To tell the truth, there have only been failures up to now”, Fluffy stated, “and I have no mind to be a sacrifice.”



The discussion on this took the whole night. In the early hours the hamsters started the first brawls so that HAMPO, i.e. Hamster Police, had to be called in. The HAMPO-officers did what they always do in such cases: they threw sunflower seed. The hamsters immediately broke off of their brawl to go for the tasty food.

The excavation work for the new swimming pool started the next day. Everybody wanted to join in which resulted in a problem. The hamsters were standing much too close. So either a neighbouring hamster was hit by a shovel or buried under soil.
Hamsterpower
Turbo Power - Thanks to Hamster Power!

Schlägerei in Hamsterhausen


Shocking! Another brawl in Hamsterton!


It did not take long until the first fights started and the first injuries occured.

Nothing worked and so the hamsters decided to open a second site. Later on the two dens were to be connected. Also this went awry as one group filled the den of the other group with soil. After two days the hamsters noticed that they had made no progress at all.

The matter was reported to the mayor and he turned it over in his mind for several hours. Then he found the solution: if one group always filled the newly excavated den of the other group, only one group should be working at a time. So the mayor gave order that half of the hamsters were to go home.

Flecki, a very quickfooted hamster, was sent to the site with this news. When she arrived there she told the waiting hamsters what the mayor had said.

Half of the hamsters now left the site, but instead of one group, half of both groups went home. So the outcome was not much better and after another two days it was reported to the mayor that the plan went awry.

Then a hamster named Goldi rose to speak and proposed not to dig the den but to blast it. Everybody was delighted and the HTCC was ordered to prepare the blasting operation. Better too much than too little, the HTCC-hamsters thought, and distributed all the explosives they had.

In the late afternoon the blasting operation took place. Many guests were invited and even HOOTV1 – Hamsterhoosen Television –, Jelly-TV from Hamsterjelly and HI-Plus from Hamsteriran were present. The last live-pictures to be seen showed the mayor with his noble guests when he pressed the button for the blasting operation.

Then the transmission in the whole country failed. Chief engineer Botchy had made quite a job of it. Hamsterton was razed to the ground, but the same evening the mayor held a noteworthy speech on the debris.

“We will not stop to modernize Hamsterton!” he shouted to the cheering crowd. “Small setbacks like this one will not discourage us!”

Er redet....und redet....
Speech of the Mayor

„Small setbacks?“ Fluffy whispered to Dumple. „He flattened Hamsterton, all houses are gone, nobody knows how we shall go on – that’s what he calls a small setback?!”

“O well”, Dumple mumbled, “at least we only can modernize for it can’t get worse.”

Indeed Hamsterton was nothing but a waste landscape and the hamsters immediately began the reconstruction of their town. As they well knew that labour like that goes along with injuries like bruised paws and tails they first built a hospital. That was quite a good idea for soon the next disaster was to come. Working makes hungry, the hamsters thought, and so the next thing they built was a restaurant. Obviously the gas tubes had not been laid correctly so that there was an explosion in the kitchen. About twenty hamsters had to be taken to the new hospital with singed fur. HTCC accused HAMFI, HAMFI accused HTCC. They had a brawl and the HAMPO had to be called in.




Injured hamsters during construction works!


Again there was an explosion in our beautiful city! What is the mayor doing in this situation?

 

Faulpelz! verfressener Faulpelz!
Kipping, of course! And munching as well! Shocking!


Within the next days schools and shops were built while the population lived in tents. Everything would have worked according to plan but due to rain and cold more and more hamsters began to dig burrows, so that new problems came up. HAMFI and HTCC were still fighting each other and had no time to pump down all the water in Hamsterton so that the ground water was still rather high. So all the burrows soon were flooded and Hamsterton looked like one big tent camp.


Bugs in your home? Take Goldi’s Fart-Gas! Goldis Furzgas



“It couldn’t be worse”, Flecki groaned and looked at the camp.

“It could”, Goldi objected. “For instance we may…”

“Shut up!” Flecki snapped. “Instead of that silly prattling we should think how to help our poor friends. I have a snug little party in mind. Something warm to eat, perhaps a hotpot.”


“Why, yes!” Goldi cheered. “I’ll take over the potshot-matter.”

“And I’ll prepare some pretty napkins, which I will paint myself”, Flecki excitedly said. “But you have to start at noon. I’m going to make the invitations.”

Both hamsters ran off to different directions to start their work.



Gulaschkanone








Hotpot in Hamsterton! Just step in - outch!
Daneben....


When Flecki one minute before noon smoothed out the last napkins, something stirred in her mind. Which word did Goldi use when he had repeated her hotpot-proposal?! Potshot – o goodness! Terrified, she looked over to the marquee and what was standing in front of it, made her panic. Hundreds of empty boxes marked “Goulash Soup” were lying about. In the middle of all these boxes was placed a giant canon. Goldi was standing beside it, lighter in hand. Flecki wanted to shout but her voice failed her. Then the canon went off.

By the shock wave all tents were swept away. Thousands of cans with goulash soup shot into the sky. A panic broke out in the camp, the hamsters ran helter-skelter, toppled over each other and tried to hide somewhere. For a moment there was dead silence, then came a shrill whistling: the goulash cans returned! With a nasty bang the cans crashed to the ground, burst and distributed their contents over hundreds of meters. In between loud wailing was to be heard of hamsters who had been hit.

All this was over within a few minutes. Where before the tents had been standing now was a big lake of goulash soup.

The next day chief engineer Botchy was ordered by the mayor to drain Hamsterton with the assistance of HAMFI and HTCC. That was to say they had to pump down the goulash soup and rebuild the town. HAMPO had order to find Goldi and put him into prison – as soon as a prison was built.

Luckily the construction works now proceeded well and only few accidents happened. That was a good thing because after the hotpot-potshot matter the hospital was overcrowded and sometimes three hamsters had to share one bed. To get things going they took the boxes of the goulash cans as new houses. Three weeks later thousands of small cardboard houses were neatly lined up and the house warming party started.


1-Hamster-Wohnung
Home and dry! The first one-hamster-apartments are ready!
A big card box was the platform for the mayor where he was to hold his speech. Juices and mineral water were handed to the guests of honour who joined the mayor on the platform. As usual with hamsters, they made quite a mess of the liquids and after a few minutes the mayor’s speech was finished. All that messing around with the liquids had soaked the floor so that it broke. The speaker and his noble guests disappeared under the cheers of the onlookers.

While mayor and guests of honour were taken to the overcrowded hospital, the party went on until dawn.

.

 

The new apartments naturally all looked alike and unfortunately nobody had numbered them. So many a hamster returned to the wrong home after having taken a stroll. Some of them did not find home at all and so the HAMPO had to be called in.


New Scandal! Where is my apartment?

The by now infuriated hamsters could not be calmed down by the police and after some brawls the HAMFI was called. The officer in charge had the mad idea to finish the fighting by using water canons. Madness – anybody knows that waters soaks card board. So it happened and at one go all houses were destroyed. For the time being nothing else could be done but distributing rugs to the hamsters. Next morning at 11.00 h an urgency meeting of all hamsters was to take place.

After a cold, uncomfortable night all the hamsters met and discussed what to do. A wooden scaffold had been erected so that the mayor could give a speech. Hamdy, who had done the building work, proposed to cut some trees and build blockhouses.

“That will be no problem at all with my new saw. I’ll be really quick!” he shouted to the cheering crowd and lifted the tool. “Look how fast I saw such a wooden post”, he added and set to work at a post beside him.

It did not take him more than two minutes to cut up the post. The hamsters applauded and also the mayor and his guests of honour were delighted. Unfortunately Hamdy had not noticed that the post belonged to the scaffold so that now the whole structure with mayor and guests of honour bent backwards.

There was a loud crash, the hamsters mafficked and stamped their feet when mayor and guests collapsed with the scaffold. The mayor was taken to the hospital where he had been already yesterday. The other hamsters were not overmuch interested in this for they walked into the wood to cut trees. Up to now nobody had told them that cutting trees is a dangerous business.

So it happened that the hamsters started a merry sawing contest and nobody minded what the others were doing. Of course that did not come off well and when the first trees fell the hamsters panicked for suddenly trees came falling from all directions. Dumple was standing beside his tree which now canted over. He turned and wanted to shout „Timber“ but he never did. A giant trunk was bending towards him. Dumple ran to the right but also there the first trees came down. He ran to the left but it was the same there. So instead of “Timber” he cried “Pleh!” flung himself to the ground and held his paws over his head. All around him it rushed and crashed, the hamsters wailed and groaned, then it was silent. Slowly Dumple got up. The splinters in his bum hurt him but the worst thing was that one of the trunks had shaved off half of his fur so that he was almost naked. He looked about him: half the forest was gone and howling hamsters were lying everywhere on the ground.

Anyhow, there was enough timber for building houses and so they started immediately. First of all an annex to the hospital was erected. As the mayor still was lying in plaster nobody held a speech but they began to build schools and dwellings. One week later there were many long faces. Chief engineer Botchy had mixed up the building plan. Instead of 2 schools and 100 residential homes they now had 100 schools and 2 residential houses. After several brawls they decided to alter 88 schools to restaurants, shops and the like. While the erection of dwellings was continued the hamsters were living in pubs and shops.

This had consequences. As most of the hamsters only thought of eating and shopping, less and less of them came to work. After two weeks no more than three lousy houses had been built, while thousands of hamsters either munched or shopped from morning to night.

The mayor who just had left the hospital had to find a solution. Together with his counsellors he held long meetings to think things over and as it so often happened with hamsters: They had no idea. Flecki who just was painting some signboards in the town hall, thought of something:

“And if the mayor declares the next days as holidays? Shops are closed on holidays.”

This idea was accepted delightedly and the mayor held a pretty speech, explaining to the hamsters that the next three weeks were to be commemoration days.

“These will be holidays and all the time we will remember the great achievements of the hamsters!” he called out to the cheering crowd.

“Which great achievements?” Fluffy asked Dumple who stood beside her, but he had no idea.

Satisfied, mayor and counsellors expected the building works to continue now but nothing happened.

So the manager of the PLOP – the Planning Office for Projects – was asked to inquire what was wrong. Timpy, who was the manager, set off immediately and soon learned that everybody had a holiday and nobody worked on holidays. Timpy was rather downcast when he had to report to the mayor that no work was to be expected as long as the commemoration days lasted.

The PLOP did not think that the end of the holidays would help in any way because then the hamsters would again enjoy their life in pubs and shops. The situation seemed to be hopeless and the estimation of PLOP was correct. The holidays ended, the hamsters went back to restaurants or shops. One day however all supplies were finished and neither pubs nor shops had to sell anything. This quite enraged the hamsters and they organized a protest march in Hamstercity. The protesters laid all the blame at the mayor’s door, the mayor laid the blame at the door of the Planning Office for Projects. PLOP explained that was not possible to buy anything if nobody worked. Now the HAMFI blamed the HTCC who blamed the HAMPO who again blamed the PLOP. The PLOP did not want to put up with that and blamed the protestors who then ravaged the PLOP-office. The HAMPO stormed all the shops to arrest the protestors who called in the HAMFI. HAMFI had no better idea but to flood the shops to finish the brawls.

Unfortunately, the building material was not watertight and the freshly erected houses collapsed. It did not take long until Hamsterton resembled the Syrian desert: deserted. There were no more houses, no shops, no pubs. Only the overcrowded hospital had survived. But the worst thing was that there was hardly anything to eat and to drink. Hamsterton was bankrupt. The hamsters again had done a first rate job.

Next day all hamsters of Hamsterton and the surroundings held a meeting to confer what to do now.


Hau weg das Ding! The mayor did not hold a speech. He had no idea what to say.

Some hamsters proposed to build sand castles but the HTCC reminded them that sandcastles would be washed away with the next rain. Botchy proposed to cut down the last trees but environmentally aware hamsters objected. Nobody wanted to emigrate but the landscape was much too boring to stay.

Fluffy proposed to arrange Olympic Games.

Hamsterton, a new sports complex?
Why not!

Now the hamsters cheerfully started the training. The first sports events took place on the meagre greens but soon the hamsters noticed that they did not have any stadium. No Olympic Games without a stadium, but there was no money for a stadium, there was no money at all. As mentioned before, Hamsterton had gone bankrupt. Up to now the only result were a few more admissions to the hospital for naturally sports events did not go off without injuries. However, everybody had learned that darters and shot-putters should not be coaching somewhere near the runners.

“The only thing we have left is your silly canon. You and your potshots!” Flecki grumbled.

Goldi was not prepared to take the blame, but suddenly he exclaimed: “I’ve got an idea!”

Thousands of eyes and ears were turned to him and he continued: “With that canon we will ask aliens for help! Somehow I’ve heard that works. We send them goulash and for thanks they will help us to reconstruct Hamsterton. Aliens can do anything!”

The crowd cheered. This idea was worthy of a hamster because it was completely bonkers. So it had to work!

Rooty and Louisa together with Flecki und Goldi set to work to adjust the canon. There had been a long discussion which star to choose. Flecki was of the opinion they should take the 7th star in the 8th row “because it blinked so nicely”. Botchy thought the 22nd one in the 10th row more promising, Fluffy wanted the 17th star in the 20th row because she thought it really cute, and Dumple favoured the 18th star in the 2nd row. PLOP objected, HAMFI blamed PLOP, HAMPO proposed to choose the moon as it was a better target.

In short, there was much shouting and the first fights began when the mayor yelled: “How about letting Goldi decide which proposal we follow?”

Immediately everybody was quiet and goggled at Goldi. Each of them hoped that his proposal was accepted. Fluffy hopefully winked at Goldi but Flecki stepped behind him and whispered:

“My foot is on your tail. If you don’t want to become a beaver, think well before you speak.”

“Eh, eh”, Goldi stammered and started to sweat. “We’ll accept Flecki’s proposal.”

“Clever you”, Flecki grinned and took her foot from Goldi’s tail.


Hamster auf dem Mond?


Sensation:

The Age of Space Travel Reached Hamsterton!
Read in Detail: Hamsters on the Moon? Tomorrow to Come True?




 

 

Of course there was a big hamster party. Cakes and goulash soup were served while the mayor and his guests of honour were standing beside the field kitchen. He held a speech which stressed the importance of space travel in the history of Hamsterton. Then everything was ready at last: Goldi walked to the canon. The HTCC had fastened a long fuse to the canon and this fuse was lit now. Hamsterton held its breath. The mayor and his guests of honour were standing right under the muzzle, held their ears and smiled bravely to the crowd. When the fuse burnt down it became obvious why the HTCC-blockheads had chosen such a long, heavy fuse. The canon was top-heavy and they had taken such a long fuse so the canon would not topple over. While the fire now burnt on and the fuse got shorter, the canon slowly bent into a horizontal line.

Terrified, all hamsters squeaked, but the mayor and his guests of honour still held their ears and eyes closed in expectation of the explosion. Deeper and deeper the muzzle bent until it pointed right at the mayor and his guests of honour – then came a deafening bang. The blowback of the canon was so strong that it darted over the hamsters’ head right into the direction of Hamsterjelly.

By and by the smoke vanished and they had a view on the chaos. The canon was gone, but also the mayor and his noble guests of honour had disappeared. It smelled of burnt gunpowder and singed hamster fur, mixed with goulash soup.

Flecki hurried to Goldi to help him up. He rose with a groan and gasped: “Let me sleep, I can’t go on. O yes, tomorrow morning I want a 10-minutes-egg.”

“Why that?” Flecki curiously asked. „You always take a 7-minutes-egg.”

“O well, I can sleep three minutes longer that way…”

By now also the other hamsters had approached and looked at Goldi’s singed fur.

“That will be grown soon”, Grumpy said whose fur was soaked with goulash soup.

 

“Where is the mayor and where are the guests?” Fluffy cried and they all ran to the big crater they canon shot had made. Now all the hamster stood at its edge dumbly and nobody knew what to do. HAMFI proposed to fill the crater with water so that the mayor and his noble guests could float to the surface. HAMPO wanted to carry out another blast operation, HTCC thought it better to dig.

Fortunately they all could agree on the digging. HAMFI pumped off the goulash soup while the others where digging away the soil. Dumple was the first one to come upon one of the buried victims. It was one of the noble guests and he came upon her bum. Miss Agnelia of Hamsterjelly yelled terribly when Dumple’s shovel almost cut off her tail. But as her face stuck in some mess of mud and goulash soup only some shrill gurgling sound was to be heard. Prince Princy, her spouse, was lucky that a shovel just missed his head. He had a bloody ear now, but the hospital was proud to admit a real prince.


Shocking! Famous Singer Buried Alive During Party!

Agnelia von Hamsterqualle



Archive picture of the buried Agnelia of Hamsterjelly
during her last appearance.

 

 


The mayor was the last one to be dug out. As he had been first in the row he was pressed into the soil deepest. Chief engineer Botchy was standing beside the crater and held counsel with his HTCC-colleagues. They all agreed that here something was very strange because all goulash tins had burst. Normally they should have been buried deep in the earth by the power of the canon shot. Certainly down there was a big rock so that the tins had split there. The hamsters all dug on as such a rock would be a good thing to build houses with. The digging lasted for days, until finally they rooted up a big gold coloured lump. Everybody was really disappointed because this lump was much so heavy on the one side and much too soft to build houses from it.

Well, dear reader, perhaps we would have starved or emigrated, had we after all not discovered that this big lump was solid gold! Now we were very really rich and decided to go on a nice holiday first of all. The gerbils built our streets and houses for us, there was gold enough for payment. And if something went awry, we could give them sound kicks into their bums. Some months later Hamsterton was rebuild and everything was all right. But we have our doubts that it will remain like this – we will take care of the matter!

 

EHT DNE